


Why can't you just be mine?

by GavinsPlstcPrck



Series: The Conrad Chronicles [1]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Fingering, Arguing, Blow Jobs, Bottom Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Brother/Brother Incest, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Gay Sex, Incest, Jock Straps, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Possessive Upgraded Connor | RK900, Protective Upgraded Connor | RK900, RK900 is named Conrad in this, Rough Sex, Sex, Slow Sex, Stockings, Top Upgraded Connor | RK900, Upgraded Connor | RK900 Has a Different Name, there's a little Convin scene in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:00:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27577546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GavinsPlstcPrck/pseuds/GavinsPlstcPrck
Summary: Connor and Conrad are siblings with one year of age difference.They're studying at the same University. While Conrad is going to be an architect, Connor is in his third year of becoming a teacher.Since his youth Conrad kept the secret of loving his brother. Through all this time it's been unrequited.But then suddenly everything changes...
Relationships: Connor & Upgraded Connor | RK900, Connor/Upgraded Connor | RK900
Series: The Conrad Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2101041
Comments: 10
Kudos: 46





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Semains](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semains/gifts).



> I'm gonna spare you further explanations, since I think you should just go on reading. ;)
> 
> \----
> 
> Music recommendation:
> 
> Chapter 1: Ruelle - Bad Dream - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClaIfs0EZAk  
> Chapter 2: Ruelle - War of hearts - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49ZhrgtR-S4  
> Chapter 3: Calum Scott - If our love is wrong - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbbsLOA2XhU

It was cold.  
Freezing temperatures.

It was just like a typical day in late November. Snow fell, and Conrad pulled his jacket tighter. His long black coat had too less lining, too less lapel, to less… well, neck!

His black and white scarf covered Conrad’s turtleneck, which gave him at least a little warmth. He already regretted that he had chosen his coat instead of his thick parka. It would have made him look bigger tho, had given his appearance a bulky thing what he actually didn’t like that much, but it would have been warm.

Now that Conrad entered the main hall of the University, he felt the heat crawling up his legs. His way led him to the blackboard, where he checked for different things. But besides the offer to exchange books or help with different subjects, there wasn't anything he desired.

His ice-blue eyes hovered above the board and got stuck on this note, which told him about a meeting on Wednesday evening. Meeting… Yeah, of course… The day before Thanksgiving.

He already knew he wouldn’t participate. Parties like these weren’t his thing. Not even if Connor would decide to go. And in a way, Conrad already guessed, that Connor would join it. If Conrad would like it or not.

His brother was so different with this stuff. So unlike Conrad himself.

Just now, Conrad noticed the cold freezing his toes off. Even his black leather shoes had been too cold these days. With his thought still on the board, Conrad realized, that he would have to walk by foot on his way home. Fuck! - If he would catch a cold, it would be his own fault. Oh, damn…

“Hey, Smartass! What you’re up to?” It was the deep voice of Gavin Reed, Conrad's friend he knew since High School.

“Hey Gavin,” Conrad said, being hit by one of Gavin’s hands on his shoulder.

“What are you looking for?” he asked, and Conrad sighed.

“Nothing special. Since everything on the board seems to be about parties, book exchanges and stuff.”

Now Gavin noticed the paper with the party announcement and took a closer look. “What about that? You’re going?” Gavin never had a problem with building up connections. Considered the fact that he studies Law Science it's just natural for him.

Conrad instead, brooding over his graph paper, creating fine lines with his pen and a ruler, always had been quite the opposite. Social skills always had been a trait, Conrad never possessed. But it hadn't been necessary until now either. Conrad loved his structures, started by carrying a leather shoulder-bag, instead of a backpack and ended with his fucking turtleneck and leather shoes.

Even his cigarettes he smoked just in addition to a fucking short cigarette holder, what made Conrad looking like an aristocrat. - At least if someone would have listened to Gavin.

“No. You already know, these aren’t my thing.”

Gavin looked at him in disbelief while he shook his head. “I highly recommend you finally pull that stick out of your ass otherwise you never get laid!”

Conrad’s mouth emanated a scolding sound. “Gavin…” he said to him, who just gave him a slight chuckle in return.

“You know, I’m just kidding, bro,” he said, his gaze warm and knowing. “But I can’t deny that I would like it to have your company on one of those evenings.”

He and Gavin knew each other too well. Gavin already knew, that Conrad wouldn’t go, even if he flipped upside down.

Another minute later and Gavin looked on his watch. “Fuck. I’m about to miss my lecture. See you later, bro,” he said and went off.

On Conrad’s schedule, there wasn't anything left for the day. So he thought about to spend some time at the cafeteria. The University sold a quite good coffee. Not for Gavin’s taste tho, who was a pedantic coffee-junkie anyway. But Conrad quite enjoyed their kind of bean water, even if he had to add at least five spoons full of sugar and some milk.

It reminded him of Connor, who might have a lecture off. Just in the morning, he had told Conrad something like this, and now that he thought about it, Conrad remembered every single word and syllable.

On his way to the cafeteria, Conrad got lost in thought and almost missed his brother who sat right near the cafeteria's entrance.

“Hey, Conrad!” Conrad heard his almost perfect voice and stopped. Well, it wasn't perfect in a typical way, but sometimes Conrad had the thought he could just read a telephone book to lull him into sleep.

“Hey Con,” Conrad greeted him and pointed in the direction of the counter. “I just go and get a coffee okay?”

Connor gave him one of his smiles and a nod. “Sure, go ahead,” he said.

After Conrad left his bag by his side, he went over to the line for the coffee. While he waited, he watched his brother, who dug his nose into a book. As far as Conrad could identify the cover, it was a book about psychology or history. The green of both books was so similar.

While Conrad studied architecture, his brother had chosen the way of becoming a teacher. He was in his third year.

“Dunno, if I’ll go on if I ended my four years. But I’m gonna decide if it’s time,” he had said once.

In a way, Connor gave the perfect image of a teacher, educating children in an elementary school. Just his plain white shirt, his tie and his dark blue jeans - He already looked like he followed the perfect dress code for his job. Sometimes he wore a jumper and just the collar of his shirt stuck out. Just his shoes didn’t match with the rest, consisting of a pair of Converse Chucks.

Conrad knew he has different shoes, he just doesn't wear them.

Finally, Conrad’s coffee was ready, and he moved over to the desk and sat down across his brother.

“What you're reading?” Conrad asked, even if he already knew what it was. But as said, building up a conversation wasn’t ever his thing. Sometimes not even with his brother.

“History. Got that lecture next in…” he said, followed by a look at his watch, “… 20 minutes.”

As Connor looked at Conrad, he had to watch his coffee mug, because he just had taken a sip. It’s hot. “Okay,” Conrad said, his eyes pinned at Connor’s.

There were days, where Connor’s brown eyes seemed to be golden. Mainly caused by sunlight. But since it was November, Conrad asked himself, what went on in his bothers head. But he didn’t have to wait long for the reveal.

“Did you read the note on the blackboard?” he asked, and for a split-second, Conrad got the impression of Connor’s eyes shimmering even more golden than before.

He already knew what Connor was thinking, but pretended, he didn’t. “No,” he said and took another sip of his coffee.

“That party at Josh’s place.”

“Oh… _that_ …” Conrad stated while he ignored the fact that Connor seemed to be excited about it.

“You wanna go?”

Conrad still had Gavin’s voice in his head, as he had asked him the same question and shook his head. “Nope,” he replied and finally felt the warmth of his coffee rising in his guts and limbs. His fingertips were still cold, but at least the cup was hot, and within the next two minutes he assumed they would be warm as well.

“Oh come on, Conrad. It’s just that one evening. I would love you to join us.”

But Conrad shook his head. “No. You know this isn’t my kind of thing Connor.” His voice was soft, and he hoped for a little sympathy.

Connor already knew that Conrad wouldn’t budge, so he pursed his lips.

After Conrad put his mug down, he gave his chin some support with his hand, while he placed his elbow on the table. “Sometimes I can’t believe that I am the younger brother. Having no urge to participate in such parties and rather staying at home.” He put on a cheeky grin, and Connor replied.

“You always had been the one of us, who acted reasonably. I know! - Not that I complain.” Connor smirked and the edge of Conrad's mouth slightly curved.

“You pull us into shit…”

“… while you pull us out! I know!” Connor continued his brother's sentence and the latter couldn’t help but chuckle.

“We’re discussing this at home later. Mum’s gonna call tonight and I don’t know when we’re gonna get home on Thursday.”

Connor groaned.

Thanksgiving! Dinner at the parents…

“I almost forgot,” Connor muttered and looked at Conrad. “We’ll talk about that later,” Connor added, and Conrad gave him a nod.

“We also have to discuss, how we’re gonna handle things there. Like staying overnight or so.”

Again Connor groaned. “I can already tell you: I’m not going to stay any longer as it’s necessary.”

Even if Conrad sat on the same boat with Connor on this, he still thought about his mother.

“Don’t even think about to start with mum, who’s missing us like hell. I won’t stay any longer!”

Conrad didn’t want to start an argument now, so he left him be. “We’re talking later about this,” he said again, and even if Connor didn’t like the thought, he gave in.

“Okay,” he said before he checked his watch. “Oh, I have to leave. Sorry, Conrad. See you later.” Connor grabbed his backpack, just took the last sip of his tea and went off.

While Conrad looked after him, he noticed, that Connor’s shirt hung out of his jeans. Conrad couldn’t help but grin and shook his head. His brother… So different from him, but just so similar…

If he would only have known…

Conrad took another sip and pulled out his smartphone. He would have to wait for Connor, who would join him in another hour, so they could leave to go home.

***

Conrad still sat in the cafeteria and flipped his fingers over the touchscreen of his smartphone, as Gavin joined him again. Now he sat on Connor's place and just smashed his backpack on the floor.

He took a look around, and in a way Conrad already knew, Gavin would come up with something, he didn't like. As if he was ignoring Gavin's behaviour, he looked further on his phone, until Gavin spoke up.

"You know this girl from educational? Blonde, pink lips, high-heels?" he asked, and Conrad lifted his gaze, his brows narrowed.

"You have to be more specific. There are quite a few blonde girls in the educational wing. Pink lips and high-heels don't help, Gavin," he said, and Gavin gave him a sheepish grin.

"Doesn't matter. Got her number."

"You have?" he asked, and Gavin handed him a piece of toilet paper. In a way, Conrad didn't want to know, where he got this in particular, but one look on said number and Conrad gave him a pitiful grin. "I can't imagine that this is her phone number, Gavin."

Gavin's grin vanished, and he took a closer look.

"There's no phone number starting with one, ending with zero and a five in its middle." It was a simple sequence from one to zero. Conrad watched Gavin shatter, as he picked up the toilet paper and crumpled it up before he threw it into the nearby garbage can.

"Anyway!" Gavin stated while Conrad's grin and eyes were still pinned on his friend. Conrad could see, that it had hurt Gavin and now he pulled a face. Conrad already knew, where this was going, because it always had been like this, if someone just bummed Gavin. Just as this thought went through his mind, Gavin started to flip.

"Why can't we just go on a date, bro? This is so unfair!"

Now Conrad grinned, while he gave Gavin a clear glance. "Gavin..." he said, and his friend seemed almost sad.

"You're such a handsome guy and so polite. I don't even understand, how you're still alone, bro!"

Even if Conrad felt flattered, he sighed. "Didn't we already talk about this?" Conrad stated, while his brow lifted.

"Yeah, yeah... You're not into that whole relationship bullshit. I know."

It wasn't actually that Conrad didn't want to take part in a relationship. But Gavin was his friend, and if there was something that had been important to Conrad, it was: Don't fuck with your friends!

Especially if it was someone like Gavin. Conrad appreciated him dearly, but Gavin was bisexual and had never been afraid of having sex with one or another. He enjoyed it, while for Conrad it always had been awkward. Not that he never even had any sex, but he liked to pretend that he hadn't. Because he didn't like what he had experienced.

Over time he had started to label himself as asexual, and that was just it. - What had been, by the way, another of those differences between him and his brother, who had just discovered that he was gay, not long ago.

"I'm sorry for being a dumbass," Gavin excused himself.

"You're not a dumbass. You're just a little too desperate." Conrad teased him, and now Gavin looked up to him.

"You shouldn't fuck with me, bro. Neither one way nor the other."

Now Conrad laid a hand on Gavin's, what he had placed on the table. "I know, and that's the reason why I'm not gonna do it!" He couldn't help but grin, what led Gavin to grin himself.

"Stop being an ass Con!"

Gavin and Conrad - It was just like this. And it was good!

"What are you gonna do on Thanksgiving by the way?" Conrad asked him but already saw by his expression, that it wasn't quite good to address the topic.

"I'm staying here. Dad's already fucked up again..." he said, his voice marked with a certain agitation.

Conrad cocked his head while he looked at him. "I would have invited you to come over, but-"

"Yeah, yeah. It's okay," Gavin remarked and gave Conrad a slight smirk. "Not that I wouldn't feel honoured to share Thanksgiving with some of Jesus' biggest fans."

Conrad knew he didn't mean it and so he replied his smirk.

It didn't take long until Connor joined them.

"You have any plans for later?" Gavin asked as Conrad stood up.

"Yeah, I have to finish a construction sketch, and we have to talk about certain things." While Conrad looped his scarf around his neck, Gavin was thinking.

"I might hit you up later bro."

"Okay. See you!" he told Gavin goodbye and left with Connor.

Outside it was so cold, that their breath clouded while it emanated from their mouths. Conrad stopped before he picked up the package of cigarettes from his inner pocket, together with the lighter and his cigarette holder. Almost carefully he put a cigarette in it and lit it.

"Sometimes I think Gavin was right, as he once said you're looking like a fucking aristocrat with that thing."

Conrad smirked as Connor had said that and just wanted to leave, as one of his professors passed him. Conrad almost choked on the smoke, which now emitted from his nostrils. Quickly he tried to hide his cigarette behind his back. - Because smoking on campus grounds was strictly forbidden.

But gladly it was just a glance the professor threw him and Connor, who stood slightly behind him, had picked up the cigarette holder from his fingers. As Conrad turned around, Connor had stuck the cigarette in his mouth. Conrad had to swallow, because just the look at his brother, having the holder between his teeth, hit him by surprise.

"Con... what...?" But then he pulled himself together and gave him a scolding look. "Give me this! This isn't good for your health!" Conrad said and pulled it out of Connor's mouth, who just gave him a shit-eating grin.

"If you say, it's not good for my health..." he stated and came very close to Conrad's ear. "Why do you keep smoking them?"

Conrad took another drag and looked after his brother, who went a few steps ahead. He shook his head and narrowed his eyes before he followed.

Sometimes Connor just wasn't aware of what he was doing with the way he acted. But it was good that he didn't. Otherwise, Conrad might already have lost it...

***

Three hours of work laid in front of him. Three hours of lines over lines and shadows. Conrad was finished and took a last look at the details. He liked it and was sure, that his tutor would be content with it as well.

"Has Mum called yet?" Connor asked from his room, while Conrad rolled up the piece of graph paper to fix it with a rubber band.

"Not yet. But you can come up here, we have to talk about tomorrow."

The next day would be the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. The University of Detroit Mercy didn't give their students the day off, but they had to talk about the mentioned party. Conrad already had an idea in mind how they could manage this.

It didn't take long until Connor showed up, wearing a hoodie which was at least one size too big and some long stockings.

Long blue and white striped stockings.

He chewed on one of the cords of his hoodie and sat down on his chair.

"What the fuck are you wearing?" Conrad asked him and Connor put one of his feet on the chair.

"What do you mean?" Connor asked, and Conrad just looked at the stockings, which reached up to the middle of Connor's thighs. "You like them?" Connor asked, and Conrad stared at him, frozen in every movement.

"You should wear something more appropriate here, Connor." His voice sounded accusing, and Connor gave him an innocent look.

"You're already sound like Dad!" he said, and to Conrad's regret, he realized that Connor was right.

He still knew how his mother had flipped, as he came home back then. It just felt like it happened yesterday. He, almost 15 years old, had come home, dressed in black cargo pants, a ripped black band-shirt, his eyes full of eyeliner and mascara, together with his nails painted in black.

The upside-down cross, hanging around his neck, had been the reason his mother had lost her composure and had to sit down.

Meanwhile, his father had grumbled at him. He had told him that he wouldn't wear this stuff ever again. Otherwise, he would get punished. Besides the thought of the neighbours, he had in mind that it wasn't appropriate and it was mean and displeasing to the lord and saviour to wear such a heretical symbol like the upturned cross.

Conrad's small emo-phase had been one of the reasons, he and Connor went along so well. Because Connor had been the one, who had held him in his arms that night. He had comforted him. Connor had been the one, who defended his brother against their parents.

And now he just had sounded just like them.

After he had realized this, he looked over to Connor, his eyes full of remorse. "I'm sorry."

Connor replied his gaze and Conrad dropped it down to his lap. "I didn't mean it. It's just..." He didn't have a proper explanation.

"It's okay Conrad. Leave it."

They exchanged glances, but before anything else could happen, Conrad's phone rang.

"Hey, Mum."

_"Hey my dear, bless you. How's it going? Are you okay?"_

Questions over questions. It's always the same.

"We're fine Ma. What about you and dad?"

_"We're good."_

Every time there had been one of those breaks, Conrad already wanted to cut off the call. It always felt so awkward. He just couldn't stand it.

"What do you think about Thursday? When should we be there?" he asked.

_"If you want, you can join us at noon."_

Even before Conrad could say anything further, she went on.

_"You're staying overnight, yes? We planned to go to the church together on Friday morning. Father Peterson will be so pleased to see you both again."_

Since the call was on speaker, Conrad and Connor exchanged glances and Connor immediately shook his head nervously, while his eyebrows lifted.

"Ma, actually we wanted to get back on Thursday evening. There are... um... activities on the campus we wanted to participate."

Another one of these awkward breaks followed...

"We'll see about that!" Conrad finally said, followed by a desperate and unspoken "Fuck!" from Connor's mouth and him rolling his eyes. But Conrad just looked at the phone, while he hoped that they just could end it soon.

_"Okay! Maybe your father will bring some deer home from the hunt for dinner, we can eat on Friday."_

"Mum, please tell him he doesn't have to kill a deer for us to come home. This isn't necessary." The thought alone that his dad might hunt down some poor creature almost made him gag.

Connor also looked little nausea.

Having a call with his parents always had been exhausting, and that was the main reason why Conrad avoided it at all costs. The pen in his hand was almost bent, so hard he had squeezed it.

_"Then we'll see you on Thursday?"_

"Yes. Around noon," Conrad replied.

They just said goodbye and the call ended.

Connor broke out immediately. "Why tho? Why is it always like... _UGH_!"

Conrad still flipped the pen between his fingers and now put it on the table to wipe his eyes. "It's exhausting. I know."

Connor took a deep breath. "It might sound disgusting, but I'm hungry."

"Pizza?"

"Yes, please! But make sure it doesn't contain any deer or other kind of meat. Otherwise, I'm gonna puke!" Connor said while making a gesture with his hand. Connor's behaviour seemed amusing, but Conrad thought the same.

"So Pizza it is."

"Thank fucking god!" Connor moaned.

"That's one for the swear-jar," Conrad remarked before he dialled the number from their usual pizza-service.

While he tried to explain the guy on the phone, which topping he wanted, Connor danced his "swear-dance" across the kitchen. To Conrad's amusement. Even as Conrad already had finished the call, Connor still stood in front of their swear-jar. He threw pennies in it while cursing one swearword after another in his sing-sang.

Conrad already knew this flaw of his brother. Sometimes it just helped him to get rid of some tension. The usual well-behaved student, who's going to be a teacher, dancing through the kitchen, dressed in his hoodie while wearing blue-white striped stockings... It was just hilarious.

But who was Conrad to judge?

"I don't want to know what the guy on the phone thought, hearing you swear all these words."

"Don't know, don't care! He can fuck off if he likes!"

Now Conrad snorted.

***

After the pizza had arrived, they sat down on the couch. Finally, they had time to talk about how to handle that thing with the party.

"I want you to stay with Gavin, you hear me?" Conrad said. "And please, just drop me a message once in a while."

Connor grinned, his lips slightly greased from the pizza. "One could think you're worried Conrad," he said, sounding amused.

"I am. And you know it. I don't want to control you. I just want to know if you're okay. You're my brother." Conrad sounded soft, and after Connor licked some pizza-sauce from his thumb, he smiled. "Okay?" Conrad wanted to know, and Connor gave him a nod.

"Okay."

"Good," Conrad repeated and smiled at him.

"You would make this way easier, if you just join us, but..."

Conrad gave him a direct glance.

"I know, I know. It's okay," Connor added.

***

Even if he had shut the curtains in his room, Conrad still saw the light streaks on the ceiling. Everything else seemed dark. His hand just appeared like a shadow as he held it in the air.

In a way, Conrad didn't like it, that Connor was about to go to that party. But he didn't want to join them either. Too many people, too primitive topics. A bunch of alcohol and three or four bedrooms, filled with couples, having sex.

So many times he had seen these couples, which argued on the University floor. About something that had originated on one of those parties. He didn't want to have anything to do with this. And deep within him, he hoped, Connor wouldn't ever experience something similar.

If he could, he would have saved him from any harm. Just the thought about someone who would hurt his brother made Conrad mad. He clenched his hand to a fist and noticed, how his nails dug into his palm.

Since he had been reminded of those nights with Connor, laying in bed together, he couldn't think about anything else. How Connor had held him, how he had comforted him rose the memory in him, how much Connor had meant to him back then.

It all had started that one night. Conrad had slept beside his brother. In the middle of the night, he had woken up, embraced by Connor's arms, who had gently stroked his back. Conrad didn't know better, he just had snuggled closer, while he dug his nose in Connor's shirt.

Just to comfort him, Connor had brushed over his arm and had given him a brotherly kiss on his forehead...

For Conrad, it just didn't feel brotherly. It felt as if Connor had opened up something to him.

Something Conrad couldn't even explain.  
Something that never should have been opened.

From that day, Conrad had loved Connor. More than a brother. More than anything else.

And deep within him, he still did.

How often did he try to convince himself that it wasn't real? That there wasn't a chance for a common future?

He could have been glad about studying at the same University, about sharing the same apartment. Conrad knew, that it wasn't right. And for a quite long time, he had lived with it.

He had been sure, that he had overcome it.

But sadly he didn't...

The moment he had seen Connor in his hoodie, together with the stockings, it had blown him.

What surely had looked impossible on another person, just fitted Connor right. Connor was perfect!

And Conrad had to deny his feelings for him. This whole thing wasn't right. It just wasn't!

***

The party came sooner as Conrad had wished for. At seven in the evening, he sat on the couch, while Connor was in the bathroom. He fumbled on his hair.

"This goddamn streak won't lay back, I'm gonna lose it!" he said, and Conrad stood up to help him.

Connor had dressed like he always did. White shirt, blue jeans.

"Can't you just wear a pair of different shoes this one time?" Conrad asked him and Connor grinned because he wore his blue Chucks again.

"Come on Conrad. You know how much I love these."

"Yeah, I know."

Connor glanced at him. He almost beamed with his golden eyes, which had a slight hint of amber today. "I wouldn't ever criticize you because of your damn turtleneck, would I?" Connor asked with a soft voice.

Within Conrad rose the urge, that he just wanted to beg him to stay. To stay with him... But he couldn't.

"You look perfect," he told Connor and hovered his hand over Connor's upper arm.

"Thanks, Conrad," Connor replied.

The doorbell just rang on time, and so Conrad pulled back his glance because he had to open the door.

"Hey Gavin," he greeted his friend who stepped over the threshold.

"Hey buddy, you good?" he asked, pulling Conrad in an embrace with one arm.

"Yeah."

"Your brother ready?" Gavin was dressed up in Jeans, a green striped longsleeve and a leather jacket.

"Just a second, he's busy with his hair."

"Hey Connor, just leave it. It will be tousled by the end of the night anyway if you make things right."

Damn. That hurt.

Conrad glared at Gavin, who gladly didn't see it. "Don't get him any ideas, Gav!" Conrad warned him. "I want you to take a look after him. You hear me?"

Gavin turned his head. "Of course, Conrad. Don't you worry about that. I care!" he said and grinned.

Conrad tried to smile a little, but it didn't work that well.

As Connor stepped out of the bathroom, Conrad had to drop his gaze.

"You finally ready, teacher?" Gavin asked cheekily, and Connor greeted him with a smile.

"Don't come back too late," Conrad said, but before Connor could answer, Gavin interrupted him.

"Man, come on, Conrad. How often should I tell you, that he's in good hands with me? We know you love him and I'm going to bring him back to you, unharmed and mostly untouched, okay?"

Conrad took a deep breath, and Gavin gave him a soft pat on his cheek. As much as he was friends with Gavin, sometimes he just wanted to smack him because of his impudence.

"Relax!" Gavin said, placing a hand on Conrad's shoulder. "See you later, bro," he said, and they went off.

***

Conrad had planned something for the evening. He watched 'Equilibrium', one of his favourite movies. While watching, his thoughts always drifted away to his brother. But he managed to stay calm.

Once in a while, he looked at his phone. He had placed it on the table in front of him. Connor's first message arrived him one hour later, and in a way, Conrad was glad, that Connor had fun.

_"You should be here. It's so much fun."_

"I'm glad if you're happy."

_"Miss you here <3"_

Conrad took a deep breath before he laid back his phone and stuffed another bunch of Popcorn into his mouth.

Connor's second message came at ten, two hours later.

 _"Still miss you, bro,"_ he just wrote, but Conrad didn't reply.

He wanted to write so many things. First of all that he missed him too and that he wanted him to come back home.

Since the movie had ended, Conrad just zapped through the channels. It was getting boring.

Two hours later he stared on the display of his phone. Almost as if he wanted to summon a message from Connor, but it didn't work. He threw the phone on the sofa and tried to distract himself. But it didn't work either.

"You okay?" Conrad wrote a message but didn't get any reply.

After half an hour he stood up, took his phone and jacket and left the apartment.

He was nervous, he just wanted to see his brother. Strangely, he didn't care about what he had said about the Party. He just wanted to make sure, that Connor was safe.

Gladly, Josh's place wasn't that far.

His feet were cold, the freezing temperature had reddened his skin, but he finally arrived at the place. Conrad knew, that Josh's parents were well situated. They had a nice house, but now it was just a mix of flickering lights, loud music and some people standing outside to smoke a cigarette.

Conrad entered the house through the front door and already hated the atmosphere. He took a look around and one guy, he knew from a subject they shared at the University, approached him.

"Hey, Conrad. Didn't know you wanna come too."

"Yeah. Hey Markus. I have to admit that I didn't, but... Here we are." He tried to smile but it felt so awkward that he wished, he didn't.

"You wanna drink something? We surely have a little bit of beer left. Otherwise, I'm gonna get you a coffee."

"No, no. Thank you, Markus. Actually, I'm here because of my brother. You know where he is?"

Markus' eyes widened, and he bit his lower lip. "Last time I've seen him, he disappeared to one of the upper rooms. Around ten to fifteen minutes ago."

"Okay, thanks!" Conrad replied and passed him to climb up the stairs.

Every goddamn step felt like a heavy weight, which clawed on his ankles and in a way he was scared about what he was going to see. His heart hammered against his chest, and this wasn't just a side effect of the cold outside or that he came his way on foot.

He arrived on the upper floor and took a look around.

Four doors. Four possibilities...

But to find Connor he just had to start with the first, and he already hated it. Maybe he was just in one of these rooms to relax a bit. To get away from the music and to talk to people in private.

Conrad approached the first door, which was locked. In a way he was glad, on the other hand, he had the thought about, what if the room Connor was in, was just locked too?

But before he could dive deeper into that thought, he arrived at the second door.

It wasn't locked. The door wasn't even fully closed.

Conrad bowed a little forward to listen, but it was quiet in there, so he opened the door just a crack wide.

What he spotted, took his breath away.

The couple on the bed shared glances, both steamy and with pupils dilated. Mouths opened, shivering in an intimate embrace.

Just slowly Conrad realized that it was Connor, who was riding his partner. His shirt hung loosely on his hips, its arms still pulled up to his elbows. His hips rolled in an even rhythm and his ass curved while his partner thrust into him.

While looking at Connor's face, Conrad noticed that his mouth got dry.

Connor dropped his head back, single strands of his hair separated from the rest. The lock, which he had tried to fix back home, teetered while he moved on his partner's dick. A desperate moan escaped his lips, and he closed his eyes shut, almost squeezed them together, and a shiver ran through Conrad's body as if Connor's hole cramped up around his own cock.

Besides the shock about what he just witnessed, there was just one thought in Conrad's head:

Connor looked perfect!

How he rocked his hips in a fluent movement, how his dick urged his way out of his jockstrap and how his perfectly proportioned buttcheeks were pulled apart by the guy's hands who fucked him.

Conrad even saw that they used a condom.

As disturbing as it may seemed, Conrad had to admit that it was one of the most perfect views he ever savoured. Connor even set on a smile, while he was moving, moaning, shaking... As Conrad took a closer look at Connor's dick, he had to swallow. It jerked under his touch, its tip red and glistened.

Just now, Conrad realised that he had a hard-on.

Connor gave his hand a few pumps until the guy who was fucking him took over. Again that certain smile appeared on Connor's lips. He really seemed to enjoy it. Then the guy sat up to pull Connor into an intimate embrace.

Gavin!

For a split-second, it felt as if Conrad's consciousness just had left his body. It was as if he wasn't able to move anymore.

The heat, that had pooled up in his stomach, rose to his head and he had to retreat. He closed the door and had to lean on the wall beside it. For a short moment, he thought he was about to break down, but he took a deep breath to hold on.

He needed a fucking coffee... Strong, sugary and... What the actual fuck?

In his mind appeared one question after another. But first, he pulled himself together.

If anybody had asked him, how he had ended up on the couch downstairs, a mug of coffee in his hands and a kissing couple sitting right next to him, he couldn't have answered that.

How the fuck did they end up with each other? They didn't even share a single interest!

Why Gavin? Just why?

They didn't even know each other that well.

Wait... Connor possessed a jockstrap? Since when?

Conrad shook his head and wiped his right eye while he took another sip of his coffee. The warmth of it had pulled him down to earth again. The only question he still had in mind was: Had this been real? What was Connor thinking?

Questions over questions.

Conrad would wait for his brother until he was ready to leave. And Gavin? Just now he realised that Gavin had broken one of his most appreciated principles: You just don't fuck with your friends! You just don't! - What should Conrad think about this now?

Besides his bad feeling about Gavin, who just had ignored his principles, there was something else rising in him: Anger! Anger about something he couldn't have. What he couldn't have because Connor was his brother!

He shouldn't even have watched what they did. And in some way, he hated it, that he even got a hard-on because of the view. It was shameless.

But also so pleasant.

He actually liked it how it had tickled in his groins as Connor had jerked himself off...

Conrad shook his head to get rid of the thought. It just couldn't be real!

But before he could dive even deeper into that train of thought, he looked up, right into Connor's eyes.

"Conrad. What... What are you doing here?" he asked, and Conrad seemed speechless for a second. Connor looked tired, his hair tousled, just as Gavin had said a few hours before. His face was flushed, marked with red patches and his eyes still filled with the satisfaction of his previous climax.

"I was just about to pick you up. But I was told you're busy and I should wait for you while drinking a coffee." - He lied - For his own fucking sake!

Then Conrad scanned his surroundings. "Where's Gavin?" he asked and felt like he was still running on auto-pilot.

"He's in the bathroom I suppose," Connor replied.

It just felt weird.

Conrad waited if he was about to do something, but Connor just looked at him.

"Should we go home?" he asked then and Conrad, still dazed from the thing he had witnessed, nodded.

"Yeah. Let's head home. I'm sure Gavin can help himself to get home." He still didn't move and then dropped his gaze. "Did you have fun?" Conrad asked, and Connor threw him a glance as if he was just a stranger.

"Yes!" he said, not a single genuine sign in his voice.

Then Conrad stood up.

"Are you okay though?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, don't worry. Let's go," he said, and they left the party.

Of course, Gavin would ask where Connor went, but in a way, Conrad didn't care!


	2. Yearning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music recommendation:
> 
> Chapter 1: Ruelle - Bad Dream - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClaIfs0EZAk  
> Chapter 2: Ruelle - War of hearts - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49ZhrgtR-S4  
> Chapter 3: Calum Scott - If our love is wrong - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbbsLOA2XhU

"I've lost your brother!" Gavin's expression, how he stood on the doorstep, was almost heart-melting.

Conrad glanced at him for a second, before he grabbed his jacket so as his keys and left their apartment. Connor already laid in bed, so Conrad didn't want to wake him if he was about to vent his anger on Gavin.

"Conrad, I..."

"Come!" he replied, his voice slightly louder than he had intended.

Gavin followed him. They walked down the street, it was already half-past three.

Conrad's steps were strong, his composure full of anger. Gavin could have been glad that the darkness swallowed an amount of his appearance. Then he suddenly stopped and Gavin, who went just two steps ahead, turned around.

"So what on earth made you think it would be a good idea to fuck my brother?" Conrad's head had sunken down between his shoulders, while he had pocketed his hands in his jacket. In the darkness, he gave the image of an almost obscure and unreal creature with the piercing glance of a vulture.

Gavin almost jerked as he heard his voice, which was full of anger.

Conrad lifted his brows, his mouth convulsed.

"I... Conrad, I didn't mean to-"

"I asked you a simple question, Gavin." He still pestered him with his eyes, and for Gavin, it was crystal-clear that he just had fucked up.

"What should I tell you? It just happened."

Conrad snorted. "At least you used a fucking condom!" he mocked and knew exactly that Gavin would get the message.

Now Gavin frowned. "What? I'm the bad guy now, or what?"

They exchanged glances.

But then Gavin spoke up again: "Are you even aware of how your brother really is? He made a move on me!"

Conrad still remained stoic and tried to degrade Gavin with another glance. "Desperate!" he said, his voice slightly growling but highly ironic at the same time. "You're pathetic, Gavin!" he continued, and Gavin narrowed his eyes. "You always knew I'm taking things seriously if it comes to fucking your friends. I always admired your company and your trust. But Gavin, now you crossed the line."

"Oh, come on. Your brother isn't that innocent like he seems."

"Watch your fucking mouth!" Conrad warned him and turned around before he set himself in motion.

"Can't we discuss this Conrad?" Gavin said, his tone now forgiving and even slightly begging. "Please?"

Conrad stopped. For a moment, he closed his eyes.

"You know how much you mean to me. Come on..." Gavin tried it, but Conrad didn't budge. Too deep was the pain Gavin had caused.

"I can't. I have to think about it. You really hurt me with this, and I can't decide that yet."

Gavin approached him and glanced at him. "I'm sorry. I hope you know that. It was a mistake, I shouldn't have done that."

But Conrad didn't even look at him. "I'm going to leave. Don't follow me, please."

Conrad walked away, and Gavin respected what he just said. After he arrived home, Conrad turned off the lights and went to bed.

He just wanted to sleep. Sleep and forget.

***

Around three hours had passed as Conrad woke up. His clock showed that it was 06:35 am. It was his typical time to get up and get ready for college.

But since it was Thanksgiving Day, he could stay in bed for now. At least for another hour. The warmth of his blanket made him sleepy again. He didn't even think of anything in particular. But then the thought appeared in his mind that there was laying a day at his parents ahead. They would have dinner, the whole day filled with Jesus Christ, Patchwork blankets and embroidered messages on strengthened linen.

Conrad was already able to sense Connor's rolling eyes and how their mother would cry if they revealed that they wouldn't join them at church.

Conrad pinched the bridge of his nose and just had the sudden urge to smoke a cigarette. Even more, as his thoughts wandered to what had happened the evening before.

Did that really happen?

He still had Connor's face in mind, how he had shivered while Gavin had been stuck balls deep in him. What he had seen couldn't be unseen. Not for Conrad, not for his unrequited love for Connor.

So it happened almost unnoticed as Conrad realized, that his hand had slid behind the elastic of his shorts.

That jockstrap on Connor's hips, a blue one with white bands...

Then Conrad's hand had wrapped around his dick, the first pumps came more casually.

He still asked himself inside, how he had been able to catch that little detail on the elastic band of Connor's jockstrap. It said "Deviant" in bold, white and capitalized letters written on it. Just the sound of the word itself led a slight jerk between Conrad's groins.

His next pumps got more firm, his dick seemed almost touch-starved. The last time he got off on something, must have been an eternity ago, at least it felt like it.

Of course, he always had a morning wood, but meanwhile, he used to ignore it. Just a malfunction of his human body. Too much pee in his bladder, too much oxygen in his veins because of the different sleep phases. Nothing more!

He wouldn't stand it for long...

The pressure in his guts increased, while his thoughts formed the dream of Connor. The day before and the moment of Conrad, as he had caught his brother. How his ass had looked like and how he had smiled.

Conrad knew, if he just went on, he was about to come in no time. So he slowed the pace down, while his other hand hovered over his upper body. His muscles trembled under his touch. They were already so tense that the effort of his other hand had been almost unnecessary.

He pinched his nipple while his thumb brushed over the tip of his dick. It felt so good that he pressed his head deeper into the pillow. His back arched slightly, while his lips emanated a desperate "Fuck," he cursed and felt the shame, which crawled up to his cheeks.

Now that he had Connor's ass in front of his inner eyes and how he would have thrust into him, everything seemed so validating. "Con..." he moaned, just silently. At least he didn't want to be heard, while he got off to the thoughts of fucking his brother.

Conrad heard his strangled cry in his dreams, as the movements and pace around his cock increased.

In reality, his dick was already leaking and had left some fluid on Conrad's stomach, which now started twitching.

Conrad gasped, his mouth opened and his climax rolled just over him, forced and relentless. The further pumps with his hand were just loosely, just to hold on to that satisfying feeling. It even was so good that his hip bucked into his hand.

Now his lips curved to a redeeming smile. Everything felt so puffy, so good, so wholesome.

In his dream, Connor bowed down on him, just to place a hungry kiss on his lips. So soft, so longing...

Conrad couldn't even remember when he had been so happy the last time.

As he opened his eyes, he was alone...

He took a deep breath, reached for the tissues on his bedside table and cleaned up the mess that he just made.

At that point, Conrad didn't know what to think. For the first time in years, he was asking himself, if this just had been an episode or even more. The need to get off, together with some thoughts like this never had been his thing.

He didn't even like porn. It disgusted him.

While just the mere thought of Connor, sitting on top of him, felt so reviving, just as if he finally had discovered, what exactly he desired.

At the same time he got aware of the fact that it was something, he never would get his hands on. This forbidden thought drilled into Conrad's mind, and he still knew, that he just couldn't have it.

Within these moments of realisation, he grabbed his pillow and held it tight. He bit his lips and closed his eyes.

For the first time in years, Conrad wasn't sure anymore about being asexual. Furthermore, the heart in his chest never had ached that bad before.

Hopefully, he was able to turn his thoughts down a little, while they would be with their parents.

At least it had to be good for something.

***

After he had had a shower, Conrad changed over to the small kitchen. The coffee machine made an awful sound as it created Conrad's espresso. He had never tasted it before, but in a way, Conrad had been a little new to everything since he had woken up. Or at least it felt like it.

While he waited for the machine to finish, he leaned on the counter's edge, his arms crossed in front of him. He touched his face, more to palpate the skin on his jawbone. He just had shaved, and sometimes he left out certain spots. But this time he had been precise. His skin was soft.

For a moment, he closed his eyes and imagined Connor's fingers on his skin instead of his own. He sensed the urge to bury his cheek in his palm and Connor's smell, that concise odour of Lilys and a little bit of vanilla, got into his nose.

He lingered at the moment.

"Sometimes I'm asking myself how mum and dad could create something like you."

Connor's voice pulled Conrad almost violently out of his daydream, and he held on to the counter while he ripped his eyes open. "What... What do you mean?" he asked him with an insecure undertone and Connor, who leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen, smiled.

"You look beautiful, and sometimes I believe you're not even aware of it Conrad."

Now Conrad felt the heat rising from his chest up to his cheeks. He blushed, and Connor came over to him, took the espresso out of the machine and took a sip.

Meanwhile, they shared a look.

Conrad still didn't know how to react, and Connor pierced him with his eyes. "Actually that was my espresso," Conrad said, now with a light smirk on his lips.

"I know. I won't hinder you to stop me," Connor answered and threw him a cheeky grin.

Conrad bit his lower lip and noticed how one of Connor's brows slightly curved. He always had been observing. But now that Conrad had realised that Connor had been that one thing he had always wanted, he almost absorbed everything that Connor did.

But he had to hold himself back. He just had to if he liked it or not.

Conrad cleared his throat and turned around to get a new cup out of the cupboard.

"So," he started. "Your evening was good?" he asked.

For one moment he had the thought, what if he would tell him that thing with Gavin and that they had started something? How would he react? Or better, how should he react?

"It was nice. But maybe you've been right. Maybe I should have stayed home."

In Conrad's chest rose a fluttering feeling. It touched his heart, and at the same time, he remembered the satisfied smile Connor had given Gavin, while he had slept with him. Conrad restrained to show a further reaction and just pressed the Start-Button on the coffee machine to make himself another espresso.

"So, what do you think about today? Parents..." Connor asked, and Conrad turned around.

He was glad that Connor changed the subject and took a deep breath. "I won't go to church with them if it's that what you're pointing at."

Connor sighed.

"Also we won't stay there for the night if we can prevent it, are we?"

Connor nodded. "Yes, that's the last thing I would wanna do. I just hope she won't start again with that stupid fiancé-topic."

Now it was Conrad, who rolled his eyes. "Along with probably never-born grand-children and so on. Yada Yada..." It was almost a whisper as Conrad told him "If she only knew..." and Connor looked at him.

"Yeah..." he just replied.

After Conrad's espresso was ready, he took a sip. It was very potent, and he concluded, that some new things weren't so bad but others he definitely didn't have to experience.

***

The entrance of their parents' house had something comfy. In a way, Conrad liked it to come home. But stepping over the threshold felt to him like he entered the gates of hell.

It was not that his parents had been abusive or else. But everything in this house looked like the image of a comedy show, which was supposed to be funny, but in reality, it just wasn't.

It all started with their mother, who opened the door and immediately pulled Connor in her arms. She squeezed him as much as she could, just to give him a peck on the cheek afterwards. Then she turned to Conrad and did the same with him.

"It's so nice to see you, boys. Come on in."

They followed her and Conrad was glad, that he had spoken Connor into wearing some different shoes. Since it always had been something their mother addressed before she did anything else. For today they had made the plan to please her as good as possible so they could go home in the evening.

"We don't talk about anything they could be offended of. We just eat, be nice and get out of there."

That had been the solution, but it was still to be seen whether this would work or not.

It felt as if some claws encircled Conrad's neck as he entered the house. Strangely, even his turtleneck felt too tight, and he had to swallow. In his mind, he was talking to himself.

It would be just this one, fucking evening...

***

They sat on the couch in the living room and waited.

"You sure, dad will be back soon?" Conrad asked and sipped on his coffee.

His mother nodded. "He'll be back any moment now."

While they talked, Conrad scanned his surroundings. In a way, he liked it being at home, but all these sacred elements made it so much harder to withstand the urge to stand up and leave. He deeply loved his mother, so his dad, but if it came to religious things, they just had developed differently.

For his parents, the belief in God had always been a top priority. They prayed before supper, dinner and even before breakfast. On times like Christmas, they went to church. Not just on Christmas day itself, also on every other day around the holidays if it was possible. - Every other Sunday not even included.

Maria and Michael Stern, their parents, had grown up in a catholic community. Being religious had been practically given to Connor and Conrad in the cradle. As they grew up, they had to deal with it. But within their youth it had turned to something, they deeply hated.

It wasn't about being catholic.  
It wasn't even about going to church.

For the brothers it became something, that felt just wrong. Because their family accordingly lived to those strict patterns. Conrad and Connor had to register at the University of Detroit Mercy. Because it also was catholic. If their parents could have chosen it, it also would have been a University, where they just teached boys.

Conrad took a deep sip of his coffee. - If they only knew...

For Conrad, it always had been complicated to think about having his own family. Even to build up something like this. Meanwhile, Connor once had planned to get married, having kids and to just live a normal life.

Besides studying their time at the University had learned Connor something completely different. Within his second year, he had discovered that he was gay. Building up a family wasn't anything of his interest anymore.

If Conrad would have told his mother that Connor owned a Jockstrap, it would have made her faint.

Conrad had to grin into his cup because just the thought about it was hilarious.

As Conrad looked at Connor, he noticed that his brother nervously bit his lips and then replied Conrad's gaze. He gave him a short smile. But before Conrad could sink into it, his dad entered the house.

He came over to the living room and stuck his head in. "Hey boys. Nice to see you," he said.

All these years they had shared with their parents had been hard. It had shaped them, especially Conrad. And it was the reason why he acted as he did. His constant urge to hold onto his composure. The angst of losing control...

Sometimes Conrad thought about what could have been if they weren't just that... religious. Neither he nor Connor could ever tell them how they really felt. And sometimes it just hurt.

Once in a while, he envied Gavin for his parents, who weren't even religious at all. But on the other hand, they had way more different problems. Even if Conrad had argued with Gavin and he was still mad at him, he also kind of pitied him.

***

The smell of the turkey spread through the whole house and until now, Conrad's and Connor's plan had worked out. They pleased their mother and talked to their father. But never they went too deep into details if it came to University-stuff. They tried to avoid bringing anything up, what would have made them mad.

So the afternoon went quite well. - Until they sat at the dinner table and their mother asked them to stay.

Conrad just had taken some more turkey and mashed potatoes, as his mother had spoken up. "I hope you'll have a pleasant night. I already prepared your beds."

Conrad stayed calm, while his brother dropped his fork, but more unintentionally. "That's something we wanted to talk about, but not during dinner."

"What do you mean?" she asked, and Conrad licked his lips before he exchanged glances with Connor. Then he looked back at his mother.

"We didn't plan to stay overnight, as I already told you on the phone. We had the plan to participate in a few activities tomorrow, which are organized by the University." His tone remained calm, and he hoped, she would just accept it.

"I also have some exams next week, and I wanted to use the weekend to learn."

Conrad noticed the disappointment in his mother's eyes. But with Connor's statement - about which they didn't even have talked before - she just couldn't prevent it.

"What if you stay the night and join us at church tomorrow and I'm gonna drive you home after that?" his dad said, and his suggestion sounded as if he couldn't even debate it.

Conrad looked at him. "Dad that's very nice of you, but we didn't even take stuff with us." For him, it felt like he was about to lose control. The invisible grip around his throat got tighter, and his voice fainted.

"Mum, Dad, we can't stay. I'm already behind my schedule, and I can't lose further minutes or hours. I'm sorry!" Connor stepped in.

A moment of silence followed. But then their parents gave in.

"If you say so Connor, then we can't do anything about it," their father said.

Conrad already knew that his mother was hurt. But he was glad, that Connor dared to act like that.

The rest of their dinner went well, as far as it was possible.

In the evening they sat in the living room again and Conrad, who just had drunk a glass of whiskey, longed for the moment they would leave. The alcohol had made him blue, and he just wanted to lay in his bed and mop about being in his misery.

Connor, who had shared a glass of white wine with his mother, got more talkative and Conrad just hoped he wouldn't become too self-confident. An argument was the last thing he wanted.

But gladly everything turned out better than expected.

"It's so sad that you not gonna join us tomorrow. Evelyn and Peter will bring their daughters, you remember them? Jodie and Nelly?" their mother asked Conrad, and yeah, he remembered both of them very well.

It wasn't that he didn't like them, but in their childhood already had happened something that had convinced Conrad about the fact, that at least Nelly wasn't into boys...

"I remember them," Conrad said.

"We had talked about how nice it would be if you both meet them again and maybe get to know each other better," Michael said.

Connor started laughing, and Conrad grinned. "That's not gonna happen, dad," Conrad said, and their mother looked at them a little confused.

Thankfully she didn't want to go into the details.

But before anything more could happen, Conrad stood up.

"You wanna go?" Connor asked, and Conrad nodded.

"We should. Our last bus leaves at eleven."

Their goodbye was sincere, but Conrad was happy that they were about to leave.

"We'll see you on Christmas," their mother had said, and there they went.

***

The bus stop wasn't that far away, but on their way, Conrad noticed that Connor was a little tipsy. He reasoned it with the white wine, and in a way, Connor just acted cute.

It just got worse as Connor grabbed for Conrad's hand and swayed in his direction.

"Wai-Wai-Wait... Connor..." Conrad said and caught him before his brother stumbled against him. He fell right into his arms.

They looked right into each other's eyes.

Connor clawed into Conrad's jacket, and he had to make an effort to give him enough support to stand. Conrad sensed Connor's breath on his lips and just stared at him.

"You drank a little much, hm?" he murmured, and within the next second, he had the impression that Connor's face got closer. His heart hammered in his chest, and he didn't know how to act. He wanted it, without question, but he mustn't. "Connor..." he whispered, his eyes still pinned on his brother's.

It felt like time stood still.

"You want it too, don't you?" Connor asked, his voice a little sloppy, but also longing.

It hit Conrad by surprise, and he didn't know how to handle it. "Connor I..." He enjoyed for another moment to just look into Connor's eyes but then retreated.

"We have to catch the bus. Come on."

Connor had too much alcohol. It couldn't be any different. It just couldn't.

Carefully Conrad laid Connor's arm around his shoulders and helped him to walk over to the bus-stop. Even as they were on their ride back to their apartment, Connor leaned against Conrad and just dozed slightly off.

At home, Conrad helped Connor to go to bed. He didn't even want to strip off his clothes, but Conrad helped him to get rid of his shoes and his jeans. Strangely he didn't even feel anything while he did that. But in a way, Conrad hoped he had overcome his issue with Connor throughout the day.

After he placed the blanket over his brother, he leaned down and planted a short kiss on his cheek before he wished him a goodnight.

Then he changed over to his own bedroom. While he laid in bed, he thought of the day and concluded, that it hasn't been as bad as he thought it would be. His feelings towards Connor had faded, and while he did have this sudden urge at the morning, now everything seemed to be fine.

He didn't even consider to give himself a little pleasure. Maybe it just had all been a stupid moment.

Humans just worked like that sometimes...

***

In the middle of the night, Conrad woke up. It was dark in his room, but in front of his bed, he recognized the silhouette of his brother. The moment Connor noticed that Conrad was awake, he sat down on the bed and crawled under the blanket.

"Connor, what... What are you doing?" he mumbled while his brother snuggled close.

Connor didn't say something in return and just placed his arms around Conrad's chest. For a moment, Conrad struggled, but then he was reminded of a point in their lives, especially within their youth, where Connor just made it a habit to join Conrad in bed. Mainly because he had woken up from a nightmare. At that time, their proximity had been very close.

Now it felt almost like nothing had changed since then.

Conrad gave in and embraced him. It didn't take much time until he fell asleep again.

***

In the morning, Conrad woke up. He was alone again.

What just had happened?

For a second, he thought it might have been a dream, but it had been too realistic. As he rolled onto his other side, he also noticed that something was wrong.

His hand hovered over his shorts, and he sensed a certain moist in the fabric. For a second, he was afraid that he had peed in his bed while sleeping, but that wasn't the case. He lifted his blanket, looked down and discovered that it all looked like as if he just has had a wet dream.

His head dropped back on the pillow again, and he sighed.

Within the next moment, his mind formed a dream that he had, which contained some scenes which seemed quite familiar.

Conrad grinned and snorted. All this must be a bad joke.

Slowly he sat up and wiped his eyes. Maybe after a shower, everything would be better. So he grabbed some fresh clothes out of his wardrobe and left his bedroom.

Connor sat at the table, dressed in a T-shirt and some boxer-briefs. On his nose, his reading-glasses and he chewed on a pencil before making some notes. He had one leg placed above the other and slightly bobbed the upper one in an unsteady rhythm.

"Hey Conrad," he said after looking up.

"Hey..."

While Connor chewed on his pencil, Conrad just stared at him and got the glimpse of Connor's tongue, which encircled the tip of the pencil and he had to swallow.

"I... I'll just go and take a shower," he said, more statically as intended and went over to the bathroom.

The shower was refreshing and while standing below the shower-head, he thought about how to go on with his problem. He was clearly aware of Connor being his brother and that he must not start something. It just wasn't right.

But what if Connor kept on with these little bits and pieces like last night? Maybe he had to set clear boundaries if it ought to be too heavy for Conrad to deal with. At least this seemed like a plan he could have lived with.

But at this point, he didn't make the math with his brother...

***

Conrad just had sat down at the table as his brother looked at him. He had placed a mug of coffee on the table and ate a bagel, while Connor still learned for his assumed exams he had mentioned the day before.

Connor gave him a short smile, his eyes looking up to him from below. With his glasses on the bridge of his nose and the pencil between his lips, it looked almost suggestive.

Conrad swallowed the bite of his bagel and took a sip from his coffee as Connor dropped his eyes back on the book. Not shortly after, Conrad sensed Connor's foot on his lower leg and how Connor tried to grab Conrad's pants with his toes.

But instead of reacting, Conrad remained cool. He didn't even clear his throat, but just ignored it. After around five - very long - minutes, Connor stopped. Conrad was glad about it because even if it felt good and all, he tried not to let it get too close to him.

On the other hand: Maybe Connor just tried to get close, but he didn't mean it _that_ way. In this regard, it would have been rude of Conrad, if he denied his proximity. Because it wasn't Connor's fault that he felt this way. So he didn't want to take it out on him.

But Conrad still observed.

How Connor took his reading-glasses of his nose and started to chew on one of its earpieces. It didn't look that different in comparison to what he had done with the pencil before. But this time, Connor flicked his tongue over the plastic, and it amazed Conrad since Connor's tongue could do way different things with it.

"What do you think about yesterday?" Conrad tried to start a conversation and Connor looked up, the earpiece still in his mouth.

"Huh?" he asked, and Conrad repeated his question. "Oh..." Connor said and let the earpiece slip out of his mouth, together with a light smack, which drilled pleasantly into Conrad's auditory canal.

"It's been okay, wasn't it?"

Conrad, who still couldn't take his eyes of Connor's lips, nodded. "Yes," he said and made a short pause. "But why did you come to me last night? Did you have a bad dream?" Conrad asked and witnessed how Connor took the earpiece in his mouth again, combined with a slight grin.

"Was that okay?" he asked, his voice so innocent that Conrad wanted to embrace and comfort him.

But he just nodded. He saw how Connor's teeth bit into the earpiece and closed his lips around it. In a way, his behaviour appeared sexier as it was probably supposed to be.

"I think I'm gonna take a shower now," Connor told him around five minutes later.

"Do that," Conrad said, and looked after him, as Connor stripped off his T-shirt. He exposed his back, which seemed so flawless, even though it had so many freckles on it that it looked like a 'connecting the dots' pattern.

His shoulder blades bent as he stretched his body like a cat and Conrad couldn't help but bit his tongue. Connor's pale skin almost looked like ivory and Conrad had to take his eyes off him. Otherwise, it would have been inappropriate.

Connor also didn't close the door and left it open before he stripped off his boxers and entered the shower. He didn't even look at Conrad. But in a way, it felt as if Connor did all of this on purpose.

But he had to stand it, so he took a deep breath and took another sip of his coffee.

***

At noon they made lunch.

It was their day off, and Conrad understood that they preferred comfortable clothing. Even he didn't wear a turtleneck on days like this. But why did Connor wear those stockings again? Why on earth?

In addition to them, he had chosen a T-shirt, which had always been a little too long. Its hem almost touched the border of his socks, which went up to the middle of his thighs.

While they sat at the table, busy with the lunch, Connor also acted a little weird. He licked on his fork, poked around in his food, and Conrad got the impression that he didn't like it.

"You okay?"

"Yes. Why?" Connor asked.

"It seems as if you don't like it."

"I do. I just... take my time," he replied.

"Okay," Conrad said and lifted his eyebrow before Connor gave him a light smirk and _winked_ at him!

Conrad couldn't believe what he just had seen at first, so he closed his eyes. Then he looked at Connor again, who - against his former behaviour - looked just normal as ever.

Slowly Conrad started to think that he was going mad. That his mind just played a strange game with his feelings. And since he didn't want to make a fuss out of it, he didn't say anything.

Later Connor helped him doing the dishes. Thereby he learned that there was something else he hadn't seen until yet.

Just as something dropped on the floor, Connor hunkered down to pick it up. As he stood up, his shirt got stuck in the waistband of the jockstrap he was wearing underneath.

Conrad had to suppress the urge to touch him, just to get his ass out of sight, but his blood rose to his cheeks, and he turned away from Connor. But that wasn't enough.

A moment later Connor pressed himself against Conrad from behind. Conrad sensed his breath at his ear. His chest on his back and his crotch on the curve of his butt.

Connor reached for the towel laying next to Conrad and retreated. "Sorry!" he excused himself, but Conrad was speechless.

Why was he wearing a jockstrap again? He wasn't even about to hit on someone! Why though?

In Conrad's mind appeared the thought just to grab him... Those pants should have been prohibited!

What did they say what they were made for? - Easy access?

Conrad would show him his reward for easy access for fuck's sake!

"Relax!" it turned in his head, and Conrad dried the plate in his hands so hard that it started to squeak under the fabric of his towel. "Just relax..." he thought again, and it worked.

Thank goodness! At least it worked for now!

***

In the afternoon, Conrad used his free time to work on some sketches. Mostly because he wanted to distract himself.

Connor still wore his very revealing clothes and Conrad just tried not to look at it.

Conrad was busy with cleaning up some curves as Connor just leaned over him from behind. Conrad was highly concentrated on his work, so he only noticed him as Connor's breath crawled up his neck. He felt his hackles getting up and Connor's breath flushed straight through his spine, down into his groins.

Conrad startled and turned his head, whereas Connor leaned back while smiling at him. "What?" Conrad asked him, maybe a little too indignant.

"I wanted to ask you if you're watching a movie with me after dinner."

Conrad was still a little outraged because Connor's behaviour made him mad, bit by bit.

Connor seemed eager to upset him, and every time Conrad was just sure again that he wouldn't lose his mind, Connor thwarted it!

"Yes, what movie?" Conrad's expression appeared a little more irritated than he had intended and Connor looked at him, his glance turning insecure.

"You can choose if you like," he said, and Conrad took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry. I just... I'm gonna think about it okay?" he said. "We'll do that, okay?" Now he tried to stay calm, and Connor nodded.

"Okay," he said, and as he walked over to the couch, Conrad could catch a short sight on Connor's ass. Conrad pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He closed his eyes for a second.

It was just impossible!

***

Later while they prepared dinner, Connor did it again. Sometimes he just touched Conrad, more casually and it could also have been that he didn't do it on purpose.

So Conrad didn't say anything and ignored it.

While dinner everything was normal and Conrad already wondered if Connor had given things up. He was almost finished with his plate and looked down on it, as Connor touched him on the edge of his mouth.

He wiped over his skin with his thumb, and Conrad stopped eating while looking at him. "You've got a little sauce there," he said, and Conrad saw a little splatter of tomato-sauce on his fingertip, which Connor now stuck into his mouth to lick it off. Then he smiled slightly, and they exchanged further glances.

For Conrad, it was hard to withstand after all that Connor had done today. It just got better as Connor lifted a foot on his chair and leaned his hands on his knee. With it, he had pulled up his shirt and gave Conrad a mere insight at his private parts.

Conrad dropped his gaze and stared on his plate while he blushed. Slowly but surely he got impatient, and the need to just bend Connor over the table and fuck him got to the point, where it was quite unpleasant.

It rubbed on his mind, and just the thought led a lecherous sting into his dick.

He took a deep breath and hoped it would pass and so he just stuffed another fork of food into his mouth.

What he didn't realize, was the fact, that the thought about Connor being his brother slowly vanished.

After dinner, Conrad got ready for the movie Connor wanted to watch with him. They had decided to watch a movie of which Conrad already forgot the title because his mind was busy with other stuff.

He just hoped, Connor would leave it.

If he only had known...

***

They had been around ten minutes into the movie as Connor just leaned against his brother. Conrad had sat down at one end of the couch, one leg on it, while the other hung down. In hindsight, it had been his own fault as Connor snuggled up, with his back against Conrad's chest.

Conrad had already lost interest in the movie. Instead, he watched Connor sticking some popcorn into his mouth and how sexy his lips moved while chewing it. For Conrad, it felt like something strange wandered through his whole body. The warmth of his brother literally flushed through his veins, and he took a deep breath.

Conrad sensed, how Connor's hand hovered over his leg, up to his thigh and how he sunk even deeper into his lap. He moved his shoulders what created a pleasant pressure on his stomach and also a little deeper.

The other second Connor adjusted his body a little bit and leaned his head now on Conrad's shoulder. Connor lifted his gaze to look at Conrad, who had watched him for the whole time.

While they exchanged glances, Conrad noticed another, very new feeling arise in him: Possession!

For a moment, the thought of Connor, and how he had slept with Gavin crossed his mind. He would never let that happen again. Never! Nobody should ever touch Connor if he could avoid it.

Connor's innocent gaze, together with his slightly opened lips magically attracted Conrad and before he got aware of it, he brushed over Connor's bare arm with his fingertips, from his wrist over to his elbow, up to his shoulder.

Connor shivered under his touch, and Conrad noticed the goosebumps on his skin.

He clenched his teeth to suppress the tension, but it was useless.

As Connor slid with a hand over his groin, his need to just topple him over increased. His breath got heavier, and the hand on Connor's arm changed over to Connor's side.

"Conrad..." Connor whispered, and his brother's lips escaped a light sigh.

Then Connor's hand slipped along Conrad's thigh, and the touch on Connor's side led to a pleasant shiver, which resulted in Connor, who frowned and couldn't hold on any longer.

Conrad saw how Connor pressed his thighs together. A longing and also aroused sound elicited his mouth, and that was just the moment, Conrad's composure flipped.

It felt as if something completely turned.

Conrad's mind got run over by a sudden urge. His conscience completely shut. Everything in him changed over.

No more thoughts. No more questions. No more doubts.

There remained just one thing: The desire to make Connor his! To claim him, possess him, mark him.

Conrad's kiss was rough, short and greedy. He embraced Connor with his arms, lifted him a little bit and just toppled him over, so he was on all fours.

"Conrad..." Connor sighed.

While Conrad still held him with one arm, his pelvis pressed against Connor's rear and Connor sensed Conrad's hard dick through the fabric of his pants. Conrad bit in his neck before he planted a few kisses on it. His arousal took control, and his hand slid between Connor's thighs.

Feeling his length below his fingertips made him want Connor even more.

"You've been so naughty, Connor... So, so naughty!" he murmured, what earned him a slight grin from Connor. Again he bit in Connor's neck and sucked on his skin. He didn't care if anyone would see the hickey he was about to leave, and he rutted his hips against Connor's ass.

"You want me to fuck you, yes? That's what you planned all along, didn't you?" he asked, more rhetorical, his voice growling and possessive. While he hovered above Connor's skin with his lips, his brother gave him a longing sigh that sounded like approval.

"I'm going to fuck you and will make you forget about everyone else!"

Just the words alone crawled into Connor's head, and he was about to fall apart, even if Conrad didn't even start yet.

Now Conrad lifted himself up and grabbed for his fly. His fingers were shaking while he opened it. He quickly pulled his pants down. Just to his knees, for more, he didn't have the patience. Now he gripped for Connor's T-shirt to push it up and expose his ass. Easy access, huh? - Indeed!

It didn't need much to prepare himself since he had a hard-on since Connor had touched his groin. Quickly he spat on his hand and smeared it hastily between Connor's buttcheeks.

Just the soft touch of his fingertips on Connor's entrance left his dick leaking, and if he'd been honest, he couldn't wait for the moment to dive deep into him. He saw how Connor looked back over his shoulder, and he bend over to kiss him.

While he held Connor with one arm, his other hand now pushed his dick against Connor's tight muscle. First, it withstood Conrad's efforts. But for a split-second, it relaxed, and Conrad slipped into him. Just with his tip, but it already provoked his heart to run faster.

So long he had waited for this moment, and now it felt like he was about to explode.

"You feel that? How I'm... oh fuck... stretching you?" Conrad mumbled and cursed, followed by a desperate moan from Connor. His brother now clawed to the fabric of the couch and Conrad trembled.

It had been too early, he knew that. But he hadn't been able to hold it any longer. Too big got the urge just to satisfy his need. "You're so fucking tight Connor... Fuck..." he groaned and moved forward, even if it already felt like he was about to come in no time if he would act too quickly.

It was so good, so perfect... like Connor had been made for him.

"Conrad... please..." Connor begged, and Conrad lifted his lips to his brother's ear.

"Do you want me to fuck you nice and slow or even harder?" he asked, and Connor gasped.

He grabbed for Conrad's hair and his brother started rolling his hips, even if Connor's hole jerked almost impatiently around him. "Harder... Fill me up Conrad," he summoned him, and his brother was just glad to comply with his wish.

The first movements were rough, a little ruthless. But then Conrad changed to a steady pace and lifted himself up. He grabbed for Connor's hips and thrust deep into him. Meanwhile, he devoured him with his eyes until his mind just started spinning.

Connor trembled underneath him and grabbed for Conrad's hand to hold on.

All the sounds they created as his skin slammed against Connor's. The slapping and smacking, it all drilled into Conrad's head and finally, he closed his eyes shut to compensate. Also, he tried to enjoy this feeling to the fullest.

Connor moaned desperately and then bit into a pillow to keep his volume down. His moans sounded almost suffocated, while Conrad's pace increased.

"Fuck, you really like that, don't you?" Conrad asked, and Connor replied with a suppressed moan. His grip on Conrad's hand got firm and his breaths shorter. The heat that had pooled in Conrad's abdomen now rose to his head. His nostrils trembled, it got harder for him to breathe.

Once more, Conrad bowed down to reach Connor's lips. His thrusts became more controlled, a little slower, but he remained eager to fuck him hard and relentless. "You want me to come deep inside you?"

Connor gasped. "Uh-huh..." he replied, his voice now slightly drained and frantic.

Conrad pulled him up, and Connor now lifted his arm to place his hand on his brother's neck. "Are you even aware of how long I dreamed of fucking you? To ooze in your naughty little hole?" Conrad asked and bit into Connor's shoulder.

His brother dropped his head back, and his lips escaped a strangled cry, while he squeezed his eyes shut.

Conrad noticed how Connor started to jerk around him.

Connor turned his head to look at him, their eyes met, and Conrad leaned to his lips to kiss him passionately. The kiss wasn't just longing and satisfying. It even kept Connor from screaming.

With a few last thrusts, Conrad sent himself over the edge. His climax came unprepared, and he gasped before he poured himself deep into his brother.

Connor pressed against Conrad's pelvis and arched his back. For Conrad, it felt like he was about to rub out his last drops while his muscle pulsed around Conrad's cock. Conrad kissed Connor, still hungry, but it got more domestic. It had calmed that beast within him, the first wave of lust was gone and now Conrad lingered at a moment of pure satisfaction.

He still held Connor in his arms, now a little bit exhausted. "You're mine, Connor... Just mine..." It came so suddenly from Conrad while he kissed Connor's neckline, and in the next second Connor started to shake.

First, Conrad didn't realise what was going on, but then Connor sobbed, and he let go of him.

Connor turned around and laid on his back. He covered his eyes with his hands and still sobbed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Conrad bent down on him, now half laying on him. His voice was soft and caring. Nevertheless, that Connor started crying was something he hasn't been prepared for.

"It's all senseless... It's all... I can't..." Connor told him, what confused Conrad even more.

"What do you mean?" Conrad asked and cupped Connor's cheek to turn his head a little. But his brother didn't respond and just cried further. "Connor, what's going on?" Conrad wanted to know and saw, how a few tears made their way along Connor's cheek.

Connor's voice sounded shaky and heavy at the same time as he finally answered. "I love you since that time in our youth. Since we slept in one bed and I can't stop thinking about you! I always just wanted to be loved by you, held by you..."

It hit Conrad right into his guts because it sounded so genuine that he couldn't have any doubt. The look into Connor's teary eyes proofed him that he had said the truth and Conrad wasn't even able to react to it.

"Connor, I..."

"Don't talk now, please..." Connor begged him before he placed his hand on Conrad's cheek and kissed him tenderly.

Again they exchanged a glance before Conrad's head sunk on Connor's chest. It just took a moment until his fatigue overwhelmed him, and he dozed off.


	3. Liberation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music recommendation:
> 
> Chapter 1: Ruelle - Bad Dream - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClaIfs0EZAk  
> Chapter 2: Ruelle - War of hearts - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49ZhrgtR-S4  
> Chapter 3: Calum Scott - If our love is wrong - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbbsLOA2XhU

The first thing Conrad noticed as he woke up, had been his back. As he arched it a little, a slight pain shot right through his spine. He wasn't used to sleeping on the couch and even in his bed, Conrad had these problems sometimes. But he tried not to whine about it.

Then Connor came in his sight and through Conrad's movements, his brother snuggled just closer.

For a moment, Conrad stayed like this, but shortly after everything merged like a puzzle. Conrad remembered what had happened, what he did and what he had _said_ to his brother.

Oh! My! God!

His brother... What had he just done?

Conrad carefully sat up since he didn't want to wake Connor up. Once more, he looked at him before he raised and pulled his pants up. After he adjusted his belt, he stuck his shirt into the pants and looked around for his shoes.

He had to get out of here.

Seeing Connor laying on the couch and furthermore, his bare bottom made him uncomfortable. Quickly he slipped into his shoes and grabbed his jacket, keys and phone on his way out.

After he had closed the door, Conrad took a deep breath. He closed his eyes and then went down the stairs. He had fucked up. He had completely lost control.

Connor had teased him, but that wasn't a good reason to act as he did. Just having the thought about what he had said to him... All these words cut into his skin like the heat of a branding iron. He wore the mark of shame on his body.

For a moment, Conrad stood still and thought about where to go. His way led him to the nearby park because the cafeteria of the University was still closed at this time. It had been very early.

On his way, he noticed the cold around him and how it crawled up through the fabric of his clothes.

The park was empty. Just now and then, a jogger crossed Conrad's way. He stopped by the next bench and gladly it was clean. So he could sit down. After he had lit a cigarette, he took a deep drag. He closed his eyes for a minute and stuck the cigarette holder into the corner of his mouth before he pocketed his hands to warm them up.

Conrad leaned back and scanned his surroundings. The silence of the park, together with the slight fog gave him a pleasant feeling. Then his thoughts drifted to the day before.

Connor had provoked him. He had wanted it. But he was also his brother, so it wasn't a good excuse he had given in. Conrad felt ashamed. On the other hand, he asked himself how honest he had meant it. Conrad himself had managed to hide his feelings, but that didn't have made them disappear. And suppressing them for so long had made things just worse.

He knew that he loved his brother with all of his heart and even more. But it was very clear that they would never have a normal relationship, even if they would start anything. They never would be able to marry, never would be able to have kids one day - If Connor had wanted them. Conrad wasn't even sure.

They shared the same name. For fuck's sake, if they looked at each other, it almost seemed as if they looked into a mirror. Besides their varied eye colour, it was just their height which made the difference.

Why did everything had to be so difficult?

For Conrad, it was strange that something like cigarettes were able to calm someone's nerves down. But they did. Still... He didn't know how to handle things.

While he was lost in thoughts, his smartphone vibrated in his pocket. It pulled him out of his thoughts, and he looked after it. As he saw Connor's name and his icon (a picture they had taken on their last vacation in the snowy mountains), he sighed.

He couldn't talk to him. Not now, not with his thoughts...

His fingertip hovered over the red button to shut him off, and he turned off the vibration alarm. He took another drag of his cigarette, inhaled deep and sighed. To be honest, he was even thinking about to sleep somewhere else for the next days, just to clear up his mind.

But the only one who he could have contacted was Gavin. And Gavin had made a literal dick-move, so that wouldn't be a solution.

A moment later, Conrad asked himself if he even could look into Connor's eyes again without having the thought in mind of him, moaning his name... Conrad didn't know anything anymore. He asked himself if he had destroyed everything.

He didn't even know if he was asexual anymore. Obviously not...

Conrad leaned forward and pulled the remains of the cigarette out of the holder to stub it out. Now he wiped his eyes and the cold, which already had reached his skin, felt very unpleasant. Today not even one of his turtlenecks spent him a little warmth since he just wanted to get out of the apartment back then. He even forgot to put on his scarf.

Conrad took a look at the clock and noted that it was time for the cafeteria to open.

So he stood up and went over.

The line wasn't that long, so he didn't have to wait to get his coffee.

Not even ten minutes later he had sat down at the table he had sat with Connor just a few days before. Everything had changed in the meantime. He didn't even know if he should finish his studies or not. Maybe it would be better for everyone if he just would disappear.

While he put the sugar in his mug and some milk, a shadow appeared beside the table. Conrad noticed it but didn't say anything. He knew it was Gavin, but he wasn't sure if he had the patience or the mood to clear things up.

"May I take a seat?" Gavin asked politely.

Conrad didn't even look up. "If you're not going to talk," Conrad replied and stirred his coffee with a spoon.

Gavin hesitated for a moment but then sat down across of him.

Conrad sensed that Gavin wanted to talk, but he didn't act as if he would welcome it. He just had taken a sip of his coffee, as Gavin spoke up.

"I'm sorry Conrad..." he said.

Conrad let him speak.

Gavin shook his head: "It was just a bad idea."

"It was!"

"I should have known that it isn't the solution to our problems."

Now Conrad lifted his eyebrow and looked at Gavin.

"But you were right. I was just desperate..."

"What do you mean by 'our problems'?" Conrad wanted to know.

Gavin bit his lower lip and replied to Conrad's glance. "Your brother begged me to do it!" he started, and Conrad's eyes narrowed.

"Oh fuck off Gavin. We already talked about this. If you want to spread just shit about my brother you can leave, right now!" He knew it! It hadn't been a good idea to let him sit down.

"Conrad, I... I don't even know how to tell you this since he's your brother, but... Connor seems to have different feelings for you."

Now Conrad had to be quick. Otherwise, he would have choked on his coffee. So he just looked at Gavin who seemed still a little insecure.

Before Gavin even could say anything more, Conrad gave him an asking glance.

"From the beginning, please!" he said. He still sounded pissed, but more because he didn't know where this was going.

Gavin bit his lips and leaned over. "Connor told me that he's in love with you and he didn't have a clue how to deal with this shit. He developed the idea if we both would start something, it would be a distraction, from which we both would benefit. He is convinced that you would never love him back the way he does."

Gavin made a pause before he continued. "I'm an idiot, now that I think about it and that I said yes to all this. But as you said, I'm desperate and pathetic. I don't even deny it anymore. So I said 'yes' and just did it, without thinking about it first."

Conrad let it go through his mind and took another sip. "You'll tell me he asked you for sex to forget about me?"

Gavin nodded. "He did. He wanted to find out if this is just a crazy idea or more..."

"He didn't seem very unhappy while you fucked him, Gavin."

Gavin dropped his gaze.

"I've seen you two. How you smiled at each other. It didn't look like as if you're literally just dicking around!"

Gavin bit his lips again. "Then you didn't see what happened next," he said, and Conrad looked at him waiting. "He urged me to stop in the middle... right after he moaned your name into my ear."

Now Conrad startled. "And you did?"

"Of course, I did! I'm not a dumbass!" Gavin replied. "Hey I don't know what's going on between you two and seriously I don't care."

Conrad took another sip of his coffee.

"Just know that I wanted to help. Even if I shouldn't have as I know by now." Gavin was about to stand up, but Conrad held him back.

"Wait!" he said, and Gavin hesitated before he sat down again. "Did he say anything more?" Conrad wanted to know, but Gavin shook his head.

"I told you this because I love you, man. Not the way like Connor does, obviously, but I don't wanna lose you because of this okay?"

Conrad still wasn't sure if he should forgive Gavin for what he had done, but if he told him the truth, Connor had way more problems than him with their love for each other. Or better: They had something in common they deeply shared... and Gavin accepted it, unless how absurd it was.

Gavin had just been honest, Conrad knew this. Then Conrad lifted his eyes. "Okay!" he said, and Gavin showed a warm smile. As he stood up again, Conrad looked at him, and as he passed him, he patted Conrad on his shoulder.

It would still need some time to heal until everything would be like before. But Gavin ironically had given him the security he needed about Connor. It wasn't that he didn't trust him with this. He was just highly insecure about the whole thing and if he should start it with Connor or not.

They would have to live in secret. It would be hard for them... But if their love was real, Conrad was sure that it would work out. He knew he had to talk to Connor.

Conrad picked up his phone, and its display showed him that he had missed 20 calls and 15 unread messages. He scrolled through the messages and read that Connor excused himself, that he felt lost...

_"Please Conrad. Come back to me."_  
_"I'm so sorry for what I've done."_  
_"I don't wanna be without you anymore."_

Conrad swallowed and dialled Connor's number. It didn't even take two times to ring.

_"Conrad?"_

"I'm coming home." His voice was soft.

_"Okay."_

"I'm coming back to you," he said before he ended the call.

Conrad stood up, pocketed his phone and left.

He just wanted to go home and take Connor in his arms...

***

Conrad almost ran up the stairs and opened the door. He just had time to strip off his jacket, as Connor appeared in the doorframe. For a short moment, they looked at each other before Connor ran into his arms.

Conrad started to kiss him, and his brother willingly replied. As Conrad pulled back, they exchanged glances, and Connor cupped his cheek.

"Gavin told me what happened. I was such an idiot!" Conrad tried to explain himself, but got cut off by Connor, who kissed him again.

"Don't talk," he said and showed a slight smile. His brown eyes radiated this warmth, Conrad loved so much about him. But he also looked a bit like he was about to cry again. With his next kiss, Conrad pulled him closer.

Connor's lips parted, and timidly his tongue touched Conrad's lips, what he replied.

He felt Connor's tongue in his mouth and how soft he was. His hand wandered over Connor's side down to his hip. While Conrad had been away, Connor must have taken a shower, because he smelled fresh and he had changed clothes.

Connor bit Conrad's lower lip and gently pulled on it before he let him go.

Conrad gave him another kiss and nudged with his nose on Connor's, who smiled at him. "I love you!" Conrad murmured, and Connor leaned his forehead against his brother's.

"I love you too," Connor replied.

A short moment of silence followed, and Connor stroked through Conrad's hair.

"We have to keep this for ourselves. We can't get caught. We just can't," Conrad said, and Connor nodded.

"I know."

"I want you so bad..." Conrad murmured before he closed his eyes, guiltily and tilted his head to kiss his brother again.

Connor gently pressed against him, and while they still kissed, Conrad grabbed for Connor's bottom to lift him. Connor placed his legs around Conrad's hip, whereas Conrad carried his brother over to this bedroom. Connor always had the bigger bed, since he tended to fall out of it within his sleep. Now it would be big enough for both of them.

Conrad laid Connor down while he bent over him. He sensed Connor's fingers at the hem of his shirt, and how he pulled it out of his pants.

As Connor touched his skin, Conrad sighed in relief. He still kissed him on his mouth but had to smile into the kiss, before Connor bit his lip again. 

Then Connor let Conrad go and replied his smile.

Conrad grabbed at the collar of his shirt and stripped it off. Feeling Connor's hands on his chest felt as if he would be electrified. Conrad kissed Connor's cheek and planted further kisses on his neck. While he had been so harsh the last time, he now wanted to take his time. He wanted to discover Connor anew, feel every little bit of him.

Conrad nipped on his brother's skin, and Connor turned his head to kiss Conrad's ear. He hovered his hand over Connor's shirt and grabbed it by its hem to pull it up. As his fingertips brushed over Connor's pecs and his nipples, his brother sighed.

Now Conrad moved a little lower with his head to take care of Connor's skin with his lips. He touched him with the tip of his tongue and drew fine lines on Connor's chest what made him shiver. Still, he hadn't helped him out of his shirt and just enjoyed it that he was able to share this kind of proximity with him.

Connor was watching him as Conrad slit to his navel. His tongue dipped into the small hole, and he softly sucked on his skin. Connor dropped his head back, and Conrad additionally stroked his side with his fingertips.

As Conrad let go of him, he looked up to him and pecked his belly before he helped Connor to get rid of his shirt. He looked down on him, and his gaze worshipped every little bit. "You're so beautiful, Connor. How could I've been so stupid?"

Connor frowned but smiled at him. He followed Conrad with everything that he did, and his brother kissed his way down again, where he placed one kiss after another on Connor's groin. Each above the fabric of his boxers. Connor's chest rose and fell, now a little more excited.

Conrad kissed his length through the material, and Connor bit his tongue. His mouth escaped a gruff sound. Conrad had to grin because Connor probably didn't even know how sexy he was while he squirmed underneath him.

Then Conrad hooked under the elastic of Connor's shorts and pulled them down.

Connor lifted his bottom to help him, and Conrad leaned down to kiss Connor's inner thigh. It made his brother moan, and his hand brushed over Connor's member.

For Conrad, it was a little strange, since he didn't make such an experience before. But he enjoyed it, giving Connor the touch of his tongue and he licked slowly and with patience over his whole length. Then he wrapped his hand around Connor's dick and gave it a few pumps before he lowered his head again. Connor first felt his hot breath before Conrad closed his lips around his head.

Connor couldn't help but moan and closed his eyes shut. "Oh fuck..." He jerked as he felt how Conrad's tongue circled him and licked over his slit. Against his expectations, Connor tasted good. His taste was just like everything else of his brother - Just perfect.

He gently sucked Connor off, and his brother had to make an effort to not bucking his hips. His breath got unsteady, and a look up to his brother told Conrad that he highly enjoyed it. Conrad tightened his lips and further sucked on him, whereas Connor opened his mouth, and it left a silent cry.

Then Conrad let go off him and licked for one last time over his tip. It made Connor shiver, and Conrad kissed his thigh again.

Connor looked down on him and grabbed for his hair.

Conrad moved up to him. On his way, he left kisses on Connor's chest.

His brother pulled him into another kiss, and Conrad's hand slit over Connor's side, down to his hip, where he placed his hand and stroked him softly. As he pulled back and gave Connor another kiss on his neckline, he murmured: "Where do you have the lube?"

The corner of Connor's mouth arched and he pecked Conrad's ear. "Bedside table. Last drawer."

Conrad planted a last kiss on his brother's throat and bent over to the said place. Besides the lube, he found some condoms, but as he wanted to grab one, Connor let out a negating sound. He even reached for his wrist, and Conrad looked at him in confusion.

"No..." Connor said, his voice slightly insecure since he didn't know how Conrad would react.

But Conrad just leaned over and kissed him, while he closed the drawer again. Then he stood up and loosened his belt to get rid of his pants, together with his shorts.

Connor sat up, and as Conrad was ready, he leaned forward to start kissing Conrad's stomach.

Conrad dropped his gaze to look at him, he grabbed for Connor's hair and gave him enough leeway as Connor started to lick the tip of his dick. He encircled it with one hand to support, and Conrad couldn't help to roll his eyes, before he closed his eyes shut. The feeling of this intimate touch got him by surprise. He always had imagined it, but never knew that it felt so good with him.

It turned even better as Connor let him slide into his mouth. He leaned back his head, and a pleasant moan left his mouth. "Oh, Connor... You're so good to me... Ah..." His breath trembled, and as he noticed, how his dick docked against Connor's throat, he jerked.

His hand moved to Connor's chin to get his attention, and he looked down just as Connor replied his gaze. "Careful..." he muttered with a smile and saw, how the corner of Connor's mouth twitched.

Connor sucked a few more times on him before he let him slip out of his mouth with a slurping sound. On his way out Connor gave him the full width of his tongue and his dick left with leaving a few strings of spit, mixed with pre-cum his mouth.

Once more, Conrad stroked through his hair and then wiped a little bit of it from Connor's lips.

Connor leaned back again, and Conrad grabbed for the bottle of lube. He knelt on the bed and opened it. A few drops landed on his fingers, and he rubbed them against each other to spread it.

Then he approached Connor again and laid down by his side. Connor snuggled up close. They exchanged glances while Conrad's hand moved to Connor's bottom where his prepared fingertips hovered over his soft skin until he found his entrance.

Connor lifted his leg to give Conrad a little more space.

Then Conrad started to kiss him, and his fingertip pushed gently against his muscle. As he slipped in, Connor's kisses got more greedy, and he frowned. Conrad let his finger slip deep into him, before he pulled back again, just to repeat it. He noticed that Connor wasn't relaxed at all, so he acted carefully.

After a few moves, he paused and crooked his finger. He looked at Connor, how he acted and then turned his hand a little bit to reach a certain point in him. First, he had to search a bit, but then Connor just dropped his head back and bit his lips, while he squeezed his eyes shut. His mouth elicited a suppressed moan, and Conrad noticed how his muscle jerked around him.

"There?" Conrad asked, almost a little cheeky and Connor nodded hastily.

"Yeah... ah, right there..." he gasped, and Conrad retreated just to add a second finger. Again he pushed them in and searched for Connor's most sensitive point.

"Oh god... Conrad... Oh..." he cried, and Conrad couldn't help but grin, while his fingers massaged Connor's prostate until he remained a shaking and moaning mess under Conrad's touch.

Conrad enjoyed it so much that he added even a third finger as Connor seemed relaxed enough. As he slipped deeper with them, Connor's cock twitched while leaking some pre-come on his belly.

"Con- Conrad I... Oh, fuck..." Connor groaned yearningly. "Please..." he begged, and Conrad slowly stopped his movements. Connor quivered as he slipped out and reached for his brother's lips.

They shared another glance before Conrad breathed a soft kiss on Connor's lips and placed himself between Connor's legs.

Being above of him let him feel protective and caring. It was just as if they were made for each other. Every move fit the other, and after Conrad added a little more lube on his dick, Connor lifted his legs to help.

Their lips remained connected, as Conrad gave himself a hand to line up. He already felt Connor pulsing as he pushed his dick carefully against his entrance and slipped in.

Connor let out a slight moan as Conrad pushed a little deeper. They didn't take their eyes off each other, and Conrad grabbed for Connor's hand to lock with it. Carefully he pulled his hips back, just to push forward again. Softly he pressed their interlocked hands on the mattress.

Conrad observed his brother bit by bit. How he opened his mouth in arousal, sighed longingly and closed his eyes shut. Conrad paused as his hips touched Connor's bottom and started kissing him before he set on a steady but still slow pace until he noticed that Connor was comfortable with it.

The pressure of Connor in Conrad's hand got stronger. He felt his whole sensation pooling in his abdomen. What he discovered with Connor, was different than anything else he had ever experienced. The heat in his body got almost unbearable.

After a short time, Conrad increased his pace, and it made Connor slightly cramping up.

"Did anyone ever tell you how sexy you are, if you do that?" Conrad asked with a husky voice as Connor had opened his lips again while he squeezed his eyes shut.

Connor chuckled slightly but couldn't hold it for long since his arousal washed over him. "Hold me Conrad... ah..." He sounded so overwrought that Conrad pulled him in an intimate embrace.

He kissed Connor on his cheek and noticed his own excitement rising to his head. How Connor moaned, how he touched him, how his fingernails clawed into the skin of his back. It all let him forget his doubts and everything he ever had been scared of.

He cherished every moment, and it was perfect like he had never imagined it. Not even in his wildest dreams. Conrad looked at him and stroked softly through his hair. Slowly but surely, Conrad lost himself in his feelings. "Connor... ha..." he moaned, and his movements got more uncontrolled.

Conrad felt Connor's hands in his hair, and as he pulled him into another timid kiss, Conrad let himself fall into the abyss. His tension unfolded unprepared again.

With a few last thrusts, he rubbed over Connor's most sensitive point inside and so his brother also lost it.

Their embrace had never been closer.

Through their climax they kissed each other and even if Connor bit a little harsh into his lip, Conrad could savour it. He even smiled as his satisfaction spread through his whole body.

His movements became slow until they stopped completely. Conrad remained in him and snuggled up against Connor's face, who grabbed for Conrad's hand again. Their fingers intertwined, and they shared an exhausted smile.

"You okay?" Conrad asked with a raspy voice.

"Uh-huh..." Connor murmured. "You?"

The corner of Conrad's mouth arched to a smile. "Never felt better."

Connor replied to his smile and breathed another kiss on his brother's lips.

Everything was just as it should be. Just how both have wished.

After a little time, Conrad rolled over to the side and came to rest on his back, whereas Connor got closer to place his head on Conrad's chest. Conrad brushed over Connor's shoulders, down his back and looked at him. "When?" he asked Connor and his brother replied his glance.

Conrad didn't need further words to explain what he just said.

Connor snorted slightly and licked his lips. "That night after you came home in your emo-clothes."

Conrad wanted to know when he had fallen in love with him and Connor knew it.

"You?" Connor asked, and Conrad tilted his head.

"Same..." he answered.

They shared another glance.

"I love you!" Conrad said, and Connor, who reached up to touch his brother's nose with his, smiled.

"Love you too... Still..." Connor kissed him softly.

***

"So, how are we gonna do this?" Conrad said a few minutes later, and Connor shrugged.

"They sometimes say it's revealing if people start to dress differently or get a new haircut."

"We should avoid that then."

"Do you think there's ever a chance you get rid of your damn turtlenecks?"

Conrad chuckled. "I'm gonna quit wearing them if you get rid of those damn cotton-shoes!"

Connor frowned. "What? Not my beloved Chucks! How dare you?"

Conrad seemed amused and grinned at him. "See... In a way, my turtleneck with me and your Chucks with you are just like you and me..." he said.

"We just can't exist without each other," Connor said, and Conrad nodded.

Conrad bent over Connor, who had laid back again. "Exactly," he muttered before he leaned down to pull Connor into another intimate kiss.


End file.
